For months, John McCain taunted Barack Obama because the junior Senator from Illinois hadn't done enough world travelling recently. Then the Democratic presumptive nominee said, OK, maybe I'll go on a tour. And the whole American press corps, including all the major network anchors, went with him, and the world rose up to receive him with gifts of gold and frankincense and endorsements of his Iraq strategy. (Next up from the McCain braintrust: "Why does Barack Obama refuse to face me on the basketball court!?!" Couldn't backfire any worse.)
But when The Chosen One was doing his choosing of where to address the massive crowds who would throng out to receive him in all his presidentialness, he thought the Brandenberg Gate in Berlin would make a cool landscape for his historic oration. Looks cool, has all that Ich bin ein tear down this wall-iner American mojo, plenty of leg room, all that.
Turns out, however, that the German government thought maybe, since he was not exactly, you know, a President or anything, and the historic occassion of his visit was a pre-nomination campaign event, that he should save the Brandenberg Gate for later. Give him something to aspire to.
No matter. Berlin is as packed full of grandiosly scenic sites for speechifying as their vegetables are packed full of meat. And so it was that yesterday Barack Obama addressed a crowd of 200,000 before the Victory Column, pictured above. For your interests' sake, here's how it looked from the other side of the podium:
Great stuff. But, of course, this raises one important questions for Torontonians: where the hell would we let his Barackness speak if he wanted for some reason to come here to demonstrate to Americans that he's familiar with the place their comedians come from? Does our fair city have any sites suitable for a gravitas-lending photo-op? It's hard out here for a fascist, or an invading alien leader, or a Democratic candidate or anyone else looking to address the adoring masses.
Where we'd likely put him, of course, as we did with the Pope and the Rolling Stones, is Downsview Park:
Now, this offers the obvious advantage of giving the adoring-masses-addresser in question the rhetorical option of using the line, "It was just a few yards from here, in this very place, where Canadian innovation was crushed once and for all by fealty to foreign interests!" Kinda gets the blood pumping. However, the site a). Looks like ass and, b). offers few washroom facilities. Furthermore, it's a Bring-Your-Own-Monument kind of place, which is inconvenient for most speechifyiers.
Another obvious possibility is the home of Toronto's City Hall, Nathan Phillips Square. The atmospherics would be appropriate for, say, your Kang and Kodos-type orators, whose means of transportation would be set off nicely by Vijo Revel's architecture. There's a limit, however, on capacity, with people too soon being backed into the Sheraton Centre across Queen Street, or forced into the reflecting pool or trampling the vegetation in the Peace Garden. Moreover, the most desirable place to set up your podium, on the elevated riser in front of the pod in the centre, has been closed forever, give or take an ever. A stage is fine if you're Ronnie Hawkins, but, you know...
Queen's Park would seem to have it all: a balcony custom-made for dictatorial grandiosity, a big old open space in front for a few hundred meters to College, and the whole grand boulevard of University Avenue for people to spill down all the way to Front Street.
However: it is kind of gaudy. And it is the "Pink Palace." And it is called Queen's Park. It's resemblance to a Cher video in those respects might significantly limit its appeal.
Dundas Square? "I stand here in the shadow of a failed museum embodying the spirit of failed Olympic bids, in the reflected light of the great beacon of cellphone technology that is the LG advertising tower, a light unto the world's communicators..."
Uh, maybe no. Besides, it's way too small.
The Gardiner Expressway is probably innappropriate in nearly every way, but: "Mr. Miller — Tear! Down! This! Road!"
The real choice is obvious, of course:
The Princes' Gates: Standing beneath the arch with the columns on either side of you, "Winged Victory" overhead, and either the vast expanse of the CNE or the Lake and Lakeshore Boulevard stretching out ahead of you, depending on which way you face. The perfect place for a regimented parade to spontaneously spring up in the frenzy of your oratory. Do you doubt this? Check it out:
So Mr. Obama: we have built it, if you come.
Any votes, comments, or further suggestions are welcome below.